


Keeper Of The Kelpies

by TheOrgasmicSeke



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Accents, Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Celtic Mythology & Folklore, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Growing Up, Horseback Riding, Horses, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kelpies, M/M, Mentions of Character Death, Mentions of Drowning, Mild Gore, Minor Character(s), Mythology - Freeform, Prosthetic Arm, Scottish Folklore, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-04-11 05:22:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4422989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOrgasmicSeke/pseuds/TheOrgasmicSeke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Forever would the sound of that screech and the feeling of skin ripping away haunt Eren's every moment. Haunting blue eyes and the reality of his mistakes would follow him to his grave. That was, unless, those blue eyes became a reality that would drag him to an early grave if he so allowed them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Lonely

**Author's Note:**

> I'm taking a JohnKat break and this came to me. I've always wanted to write something like this. I've always put Armin in situations where his heart is at risk and he's lost, feeling alone and broken. It was about time I reversed that. 
> 
> Let me explain a few things first before you start reading. I chose to not use archive warnings because using the character death tag has a stigma to it. Yes, there is character death. Is it explicit? No. Is it final? Well not entirely. If you have issues with this and want to know exactly what you're getting yourself into, you can contact me [here](http://the-orgasmic-seke.tumblr.com/) and I'll tell you spoilers for your own sanity. But I promise you, it's not too bad. 
> 
> Based on [this post](http://the-orgasmic-seke.tumblr.com/post/124344105340/unexplained-events-the-kelpie-kelpies-are).
> 
> Mood music for this chapter [here](https://youtu.be/HO4e4nCYBEo)
> 
> Enjoy!

_2am, where do I begin?_

_Crying off my face again._

_The silent sound of loneliness._

_Wants to follow me to bed._

_I'm a ghost of a man that I want to be most._

_I'm the shell of a man that I used to know well._

_Dancing slowly in an empty room._

_Can the lonely take the place of you?_

_I sing myself a quiet lullaby._

_Then you go and let the lonely in._

_To take my heart again._

* * *

Eren watched as horses clobbered about the field, dipping their heads down to nibble at grass or trot around as if they owned the whole world. Perhaps they really did. Eren wasn't too sure anymore. Horses of all shapes, colors, patterns and sizes wondered about the large fenced in field. Some a little older than the others; some a little younger. But all elegant in their own way. It was picturesque, Eren thought.

The field was a few acres large with wooden fencing to keep the horses safely inside. The grass was beautiful, as green as it could be in the beginning of fall with mountains in the background, touching the sky and giving the whole scene a look of something out of a story book.

It was Eren's everyday life now so he thought little of it. Just sat on the edge of his cart, a cigarette hanging from his lips as he watched the horses. It was his job to watch them; Every day and every night. He even lived in their barn.

Historia Ranch was well-known throughout the countryside as the best place to keep your pet if you ever needed a reason. Krista preferred to call it a "hotel" instead of a kennel. She said "kennel" sounded like a prison and that wasn't what they were at all. They loved the animals in their care and treated them as their own.

One wouldn't have thought there was much need for a pet hotel so far out in the country but people seemed to enjoy having other people take care of their animals. It was less trouble and they got all the good parts out of pet owning. It pissed Eren off really. If you had a pet, you should keep it and take care of it yourself. Take the responsibility. Don't be a dick.

Eyes the darkened color of the Caribbean sea rolled as lips tugged over his teeth in a soft snarl. The unlit cigarette danged from his lips for a second before he lifted a hand to catch it, pressing it between his lips to lift it up as he clicked a lighter and brought the tip to life with red ashes. He inhaled, his eyes slipping closed for only a moment before he parted his lips, letting trails of smoke float into the air. His eyes opened and followed the trails of smoke, feeling a bit calmer already.

One of the horses, the dark one with brown spots, let out a neigh and shifted on its feet not too far away from Eren. He glanced at the horse, watching as it lifted up its front legs before planting them back down on the ground. It shook its head, fanning out its hair and fur before dipping its head back down for some more grass to nibble on.

In the distance, the ocean could be heard, crashing against the shores. The sound sent a prickle up Eren's spine and he was suddenly on his feet. The air was sticky from a recent storm and though the sky was cloudy he was sure it wouldn't rain again any time soon. He wanted the horses to spend as much time outside as they could before he had to bring them in. They'd been stuffed inside for two days thanks to the rain storm.

After a moment of consideration, Eren stopped out the lit end of his cigarette in the ground before shifting back onto the cart. He laid back, ignoring the way the pile of hay stuck into his light clothing. His eyes slipped shut in the slight sun as he folded his arms under his head to relax for a bit. The horses were fine and they would be fine. He just needed a moment of rest; that was all. Just a moment where he could think properly.

He should have known that would be his mistake.

* * *

Eren watched in slight amusement as the blond picked his way through the marsh, seemingly uncaring about the squishy feeling between his bare toes. Armin grinned slightly and when he glanced back to Eren, they shared a smile that could bring the sun to shame. Armin made a motion with his hand for Eren to follow and the brunette had no choice. He'd follow Armin to the ends of the earth as long as he could keep seeing that smile.

Armin was the quiet little blond from England who sat at the back of Eren's 5th grade class with his head buried in a book. The boy who spoke up only in class and while outside, not a word came from his mouth otherwise. Or so people thought. There was a difference when he was with Eren. A brightness in everything he did that made Eren feel special. They were the best of friends; Had been since Armin transferred to his school in 3rd grade and Eren demanded they be friends cause he hated the way the bigger kids picked on the cute new blond student. Armin was like the sun to Eren. You were drawn in and had no choice but to remain by his side forever and Eren had no issues with that.

Armin was special. There was no denying that and Eren knew it.

A smile curled to Eren's lips as he tugged off his shoes and followed Armin into the marsh. The soggy earth felt strange between his toes but laughter bubbled in his throat as he followed the blond, picking their way through the marsh in search of anything fun to do.

It was the summer between elementary school and middle school. A summer they fully planned on spending together, lost in the nature behind Eren's house. So far, they'd spent more time curled up in Eren's bed than ever before and the brunette wasn't oblivious to the feelings that bubbled in his chest. He didn't really know what they meant but he knew they came flooding full-force anytime those gorgeous blue eyes were on him and that smile lit across those round cheeks.

"Eren~." Armin called, laughter in his voice and a bright smile on his lips. He tiptoed around a patch of grass and stumbled before he grabbed onto Eren's hand.

The brunette grinned, wrapping his fingers around Armin's hand as they stood there, staring at one another for a moment, their feet sinking into the marsh. "Armin."

"You want to know a secret, Eren?" Armin asked, voice drawling out into an accent Eren could never get enough of, his teeth tugging at his bottom lip in a attempt at hiding his smile.

Eren's eyes scanned that face, over his round flushed cheeks, full pink lips, beautiful hay-blond hair that was frankly a mess from the wind and curled around his cheeks and forehead. Eren loved that hair. He loved the way Armin would lean into him when he dug his fingers into it. It was longer than Eren's since Eren's mom preferred to keep his short but it still didn't come close to Mikasa's. It came just below his ear and though sometimes Armin was confused for a girl, Eren loved his hair that way.

"What's your secret, Armin?" Eren asked, perking a brow as he tugged on his friend's hand. He shifted closer, peering into those beautiful sky colored eyes until their noses bumped together.

Armin giggled at the touch, his cheeks flushing as he pulled away from Eren, keeping their hands clasped together. "I love the ocean."

"That's not a secret." Eren rolled his eyes, a smile tugging at his lips as they started walking again, hand and hand through the marsh.

"Is it not? You're the only one who knows." Armin mused, tightening his fingers around Eren's darker ones as his eyes focused on the water they could see from where they were.

Eren opened his mouth to respond but found he couldn't. He was mesmerized by the way Armin's hair brushed against his cheeks as the wind blew. The blond grunted softly and tucked some hair behind his ear in annoyance. His rounded cheeks were flushed from the heat and they were so perfect, Eren was convinced his best friend was an angel.

"Race you." Armin whispered, glancing at Eren with a flash of defiance in his stunning eyes before he suddenly took off running.

"Armin!" Eren's breath caught in his throat before he took off after the laughing blond.

Armin was Eren's everything. Of course he loved his family, his mother, his sister Mikasa and even his other friends. But there was only one Armin. And he would follow Armin to the ends of the universe if he had to. There wasn't a day Eren wanted to be without him and as they sped through the marsh, jumping over clumps of grass and careful not to step on anything important, Eren's heart convinced him Armin would never want to be without him either.

"Ha!" Armin punched a fist in the air once they reached the soft sand of the beach, a grin so large on his face all of his teeth were showing. "I beat you!"

"You cheated!" Eren argued though there was a smile as wide as Armin's on his lips. "You took off first!"

"Please, Eren, I know you're better than that." Armin shook his head, biting on his lower lip to hold in his smile as he reached out to pat Eren's shoulder. "The only way I have any chance of winning is to get a head start."

"That's not true."

"Sure it is. I'm not strong like you." Armin shrugged as he turned toward the ocean, letting small waves lick at his toes. "But that's okay."

"You're smart." Eren pointed out, coming up beside his friend and managing to tangle their fingers together once again. "That's more important."

"You're smart too." Armin tilted his head to the side, brushing his hair against Eren's shoulder before he glanced back to the ocean. "What do you want to do now?"

"We could... just sit here?"

Armin cast him a look of disbelief. "Can you sit still that long?"

Eren's cheeks puffed out. "Of course I can."

"Well..." Armin trailed off as his eyes shifted away from Eren to glance at something over the brunette's shoulder.

Eren perked a brow before he followed Armin's line of sight and noticed the horse lingering in the tall grass down the shore. The horse was large, bigger than the both of them with beautiful white fur and a long white mane that trailed along the ground as it nibbled at the grass. Eren's eyes went wide and when he glanced at Armin, the boy was shaking slightly.

"Armin," Eren lowered his voice and crouched down slightly so not to startle the gentle beast, "it's pretty."

Blue eyes widened a fraction more as he nodded his head, unable to look away from the horse.

"Are you... afraid?" Eren asked, concerned. When Armin didn't answer, only glanced away shyly with a flush on his cheeks, Eren grinned and gave his hand a squeeze. "It's just a horse. They're okay."

"Grandpa told me to never approach a wild horse."

Eren nodded. "But the wild horses here are nice. There was one time when me and Mikasa were wondering about and this brown one came up to us cause it wanted the sugar we had in our packs." Eren tugged on Armin's hand gently as he tried to led him toward the horse. "Watch."

"E-Eren, No, I don't... I don't think it's a good idea." Armin shook his head frantically, blond hair going all over the place.

"It's okay." Eren assured, reaching up to brush his thumb over Armin's cheek before he pulled away. "Watch."

"Eren! Don't." Armin's voice was frantic but Eren just gave him a smile as he trotted off toward the horse.

The horse raised its head at Armin's cry of Eren's name and for a moment, they all just froze. Eren watched as the horse watched him before lowering its head to the grass once again. His heart pounded in his chest as he slowly made his way across the sand, determined to show Armin that he was brave and there was nothing to be afraid of.

Eren approached slowly, raising his hands up in a way of showing the horse he meant no harm. The horse barely paid attention to him until he was only a few feet away. Armin watched with wide eyes, his hands clutched to his chest and tears forming in his eyes. But Eren continued forward, holding out his hand and clicking his tongue.

The horse shook its head for a second before it came trotting out of the grass to nuzzle against Eren's outstretched hand. The brunette gasped softly as he flattened his palm and rubbed it up the muzzle of the horse. The horse's tail flicked and its eyes closed at the attention.

"See?" Eren called softly over his shoulder. "It's friendly. Are you lost?" The last question was directed at the horse as he ran his hand up its muzzle.

"E-Eren." Armin was suddenly there, pressing into Eren's side with a tight grip on the back of the brunette's shirt as he glanced up at the horse nervously.

"It's okay." Eren smiled at him and grabbed Armin's hand to bring it close to the horse's muzzle. The horse met Armin's hand halfway and once those pale fingers were trailing over soft fur, Armin seemed to relax.

"It's beautiful."

"Nothing to be afraid of." Eren grinned, shifting around Armin to pat over the horse's smooth side. It was taller than the both of them and Eren ran his fingers over the fur around its belly while Armin focused on rubbing soft fingers over its face.

For a few moments, they just enjoyed the horse who seemed more than happy to have all the attention. But then, it shifted. It dropped to its knees and made Eren scatter backwards at the sudden motion. He opened his mouth to speak but froze when he saw the horse nudging Armin toward his back. The horse made a soft neigh as it pushed against Armin's back, leading the blond to its back.

"I think... he wants you to ride him." Eren mumbled softly, a strange prickling feeling running up his spine.

"Isn't that weird?" Armin commented softly, his cheeks flushed and his eyes filled with a strange fog.

"A little..."

Eren watched with slightly wide eyes as Armin pressed close to the horse, running his fingers over its back. At this level, it wouldn't be too hard for Armin to climb onto its back but Eren suddenly didn't want that. He reached forward and grabbed Armin's arm, pulling him back slightly and snapping those blue eyes to him.

"I... I don't think that's a good idea." Eren mumbled softly, glancing at the horse.

Armin hummed softly and glanced back at the horse. "It seems fine, don't you think?" He pulled free from Eren as his hands found their way back to the horse's fur. "You said there was nothing to be afraid of, didn't you?"

Eren swallowed hard, finding his throat dry all of a sudden. "Well, yeah..."

"Help me?" Armin asked, casting a soft smile over his shoulder at the brunette.

Eren nodded, unable to ever say no to those stunning eyes. He grabbed onto Armin's thin hips and carefully lifted him until Armin could toss a leg over the horse's back and settle there. A bright grin came to the blond's lips as he settled, pressing his hands into long white hair as he balanced. Then, suddenly, the horse shifted and Eren took a step back as the horse moved to its feet.

"Are you okay?" Eren asked, tilting his head back to look up at Armin as he pressed a hand to the side of the horse's belly.

"Wow!" Armin grinned, his eyes wide as he glanced over the ocean. "This is amazing!"

A smile tugged at Eren's lips at the look of pure joy over his best friend's face. "You look majestic up there."

Armin giggled while Eren's eyes were drawn to his hand pressed against soft fur. His heart calmed and he wondered why he had suddenly felt so worried. There was nothing to be afraid of. It was just a horse. He rolled his eyes at himself but when he tilted his head back to say something to Armin, everything changed.

The air shifted and when Eren glanced at the sea, his eyes narrowed at the waves that came a little higher. He froze at the strange feeling around his fingers. Fur slipped away into something sticky and Caribbean green snapped to the horse. Fear prickled up his spine and his breath was abruptly hard to find. Fur and skin slipped away into something dark; melting to the ground to pool around Eren's bare feet until it disappeared. He watched in horror as the beautiful pure white horse became something else right before his very eyes.

Bones cracked and shifted and then unexpectedly Eren's hand could feel hard ribs. It was a tingling sensation wrapping around his fingers and when he tugged at his hand, he found he couldn't remove it. His eyes went wide and snapped to Armin who was sitting there, staring down at him. Those blue eyes were full of tears, his lips bunched up and his cheeks pale as the moon. It dawned on Eren that Armin had been right. They should have left the horse alone.

"Kelpie." Armin mumbled softly, his voice cracking on a sob and that was all Eren had to hear.

The blond's head tucked forward and his eyes closed tightly, his hair framing his face as his shoulders shook, sobs breaking from his chest.

"No." Eren whispered, his heart hammering in his chest as he tugged harder at his hand, wrapping his fingers around his wrist to  _tug_. But it didn't work.

Armin was more stuck than he was. The strange black ooze that happened to be this creature's body was completely wrapped around Armin's legs and his hands were stuck in its back. Panic set in and Eren reached forward with his free hand to grab onto Armin's hip. The blond let out a sob, his body shaking so hard Eren could feel it vibrate up his arm.

He chanced a glance at the creatures face and what he saw was something he was sure to never forget. Dark eyes, hollow and lost, a skeleton dripping with black ooze. The sight sent a cold over his body and he suddenly went back to trying to tug his hand free.

But there was no point.

The creature let out a loud, high-pitched screech and then started moving. Eren planted his feet in the sand, trying to keep him in place but there was no point. The hold on his hand dragged him along as the creature moved toward the ocean. The realization of what was about to happen to them struck Eren to the core. No, he couldn't... this couldn't be happening. Armin couldn't...

The blond was huddled in on himself, his eyes closed tightly as sobs racked through his body. That sight alone made Eren stop fighting.

When cold ocean water unexpectedly slapped at his skin, Eren snapped out of his daze. He took a deep breath to take in as much air as he could before they were both suddenly dragged under the water. He couldn't see and when he opened his eyes the salt water stung but he refused to look away. He fought; he thrashed in the water and tugged at his hand the best he could. He'd break himself if he had to. He wasn't going to die this way. He'd break away and pull Armin with him. He couldn't just sit back and let this happen.

But it was hard and the more he thrashed the harder the pressure in his chest became. He needed air. He needed to breathe. His vision blanked slightly and when he realized what was happening it was far too late. It happened much to quick. There was a sudden sharp pain and then he was free. He could only watch in slight horror as the creature and Armin sank lower into the ocean and then all he could see was darkness.

When Eren opened his eyes again, he was gasping for breath in the sand, drenched completely in salt water and screaming with a force he didn't know possible. Pain exploded from his arm and with one glance, he could see something had torn through the skin and bone. The Kelpie, he assumed. It ripped his skin apart from just below his elbow, tearing his arm away so he was free.

He could barely recall Armin's face. The look of utter fear but some type of relief in his expression as the blond disappeared into the darkness. Eren screamed again, something loud as he pounded his fist in the sand, warm tears falling from his eyes as he settled on his hand and knees. The pain of his arm was nothing compared to the throbbing aching  _torture_  in his chest. Something was ripping its way through his body and he screamed till his throat was raw and sore because there was nothing else he could do. He didn't notice the shouts in the distance. He didn't notice his father running toward him through the marsh with Mikasa right behind him. He couldn't notice. He could only lay there and scream out his pain into the bright sunlight.

* * *

Eren shot up suddenly, a cold sweat over his darkly tanned skin and his heart throbbing in his ears. He glanced around frantically and when he noticed a few of the horses looking his way his heart about stopped. It took him a second to remember where he was and how he had gotten there. He curled up, tugging his long legs closer to his chest as he buried a hand into his thick brown hair.

Sleep was not a welcomed friend.

He silently cursed himself for thinking a nap was a good idea at all. Every time... Every fucking time he closed his eyes, he saw  _him_. Beautiful blue eyes, flushed cheeks and a smile that could brighten any dark day. It was so long ago.  _Too_  long ago and yet, Eren would never forget. How could he ever forget? He could see that terrified look on Armin's face as clear as his own prosthetic arm.

He glanced down at the prosthetic that he had to deal with everyday. The wound still felt fresh and when he pulled the arm off, the scars still looked bloodied to him sometimes. He was alive; without an arm but still alive. That was a lot more than Armin. A rock sank into his stomach and he slipped off the cart, shaking his arms at his sides.

Memories fluttered along his mind and tears clung to his eyelashes. He pushed those feelings away, seeing no point in dwelling on them at the time. He pursed his lips together and whistled, catching the attention of the horses in his care. A few trotted up to him and he greeted them with a soft smile and a pat to their neck.

"Time to go in." He murmured, grabbing onto two leashes of the closest horses to lead them back to the barn.

Eren's job was simple. He was to feed, bathe, brush, and care for the horses at the farm. It was simple enough. They had about seven horses in their care and each was kind and gentle. They were easy to deal with and he seemed to have a way with them. It wasn't a clean job, but it was something he could do. A mindless set of chores that could keep his mind off of his own reality. It was the darkness that bothered him.

By the time all the horses were in the stables, well-fed and cleaned up, darkness had fallen over the farm. Eren had not see a human all day and he was more than fine with that as he shut the door to his room. His room had once been a stable on its own until he started working there. The owners of the farm decided to convert the last stall in the barn into a nice room for him, so he could be around the horses at all times. He didn't complain. It was a nice room with well-insulated walls, a small but convenient bathroom and electricity.

Eren was alone and that was what he preferred. He shrugged off of his shirt, dropping it in a small basket as he ran a hand through his hair. He collapsed on the small bed he called his own and set to work unlacing his boots. Eren was a tall man, with tight muscles that moved under his naturally tanned skin. He was an attractive sort though that meant nothing to him. He preferred to be left alone in the barn with the horses because interacting with people was a chore he didn't want to deal with.

A soft sigh escaped his lips as he lined up his boots beside his bed. He was on his feet again and took the time to run the sink in the corner of his room full of warm water. He set to work cleaning off the grime from the day and made a mental note to take a shower at the end of the week. The warm wet cloth over his skin was a nice feeling and as he tugged off his pants, leaving him naked and bare in his room, he set to work cleaning up his legs and private areas.

He sat down in the lone chair of his room and set to work tugging off the straps wrapped around his chest and shoulder. The prosthetic was well-made but it was an older model and after dealing with horses a good deal of his life, Eren found having the support around his chest and shoulder worked out for the best. He let out a faint groan as he tugged his arm free from the plastic and his eyes landed on his stub.

The skin there was snarled and scared, lightly colored and a constant reminder of his youth that he wished he could forget. He placed the arm down on his bed gently before he set to work cleaning his stub and rubbing a special creamy lotion over it so it wouldn't chafe. He was running his fingers over the scared skin when his throat went tight and his chest convulsed.

The spring of tears to his eyes wasn't unexpected and his head dropped between his shoulders. His elbows rested on his knees as he bent over, digging his hand into his hair, not caring that there was still lotion on it. His chest shook with a sob he couldn't control and his eyes closed tightly, letting tears dribble to the wooden floor. It was a nightly occurrence and Eren let his body go through it, finding a slight sense of relief in the pain that came over his chest.

The day he stopped feeling guilt and regret for _that_  day would be a day Eren Jeager no longer wanted to exist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know, okay? I know. But if you know me, I never leave anything that freaking depressing. It gets better. Well, that really depends on your definition of better... Either way! Don't fret too much. I promise a happy, if not a bit bittersweet, ending. 
> 
> I have most of this already written out. Four chapters. Should be about 17k once I finish the last chapter. This is only the beginning. I'll update again within the next few days. I want to give myself time to finish the last chapter before it comes time to post it, so there will be a few days between chapter posts. The next chapter is also considerably longer, but not that long. 
> 
> Please do let me know what you thought! Kudos are great but comments really fuel a writer, you know? 
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to read! See you next chapter!
> 
> ~Addy~


	2. I Never Told You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood Music [Here](https://youtu.be/XfxP4ORIIOY).

_I miss those blue eyes._

_How you kiss me at night._

_I miss the way we sleep._

_Like there's no sunrise._

_Like the taste of your smile._

_I miss the way we breathe._

_But I never told you_

_What I should have said_

_No I never told you._

_I just held it in._

_And now..._

_I miss everything about you..._

* * *

There was a point in time when Eren realized he would never be over what happened to him. He was about eighteen and after years of therapy and medication, he came to realize nothing would ever change reality. People thought he was crazy. Mikasa was the only one who believed him about the Kelpie. Even his parents thought he was imaging things and Armin had simply drowned in the ocean. Course, there was no body to be found. So even that was a bit thin.

The day Eren accepted he would be haunted for the rest of his life was the same day he decided he had to get away. He loved his family, he always would. But he couldn't stand to be around parents who were convinced there was something wrong with him. Mikasa was enough but even the glances she gave him sometimes made him reconsider if she believed him or not. So he had to get away. He had to get away from his home town because no matter where he went, he felt people were judging him.

Small towns had the habit of spreading things that probably weren't true. The truth, at the middle of it, was that Armin was dead and there was nothing anyone could do about that. Eren was the last person to see him alive and he barely escaped alive himself. Rumors of his missing arm flew. Shark attack, a fight that ended badly, anything but the truth. But still, floating around underneath all the lies and rumors, the truth was waiting.

The elders believed him. The elders spoke of the Kelpies and the warnings they had been trying to tell for as long as Eren could remember. The elders whispered of the truth but it was never enough to break through the fantasies people came up with. Reality was just too hard for people to accept. They'd rather blame him. And he was fine with that. It was his fault anyway. Armin was gone and there was no one to blame but Eren Yeager. He would shoulder the blame until the day he died and probably beyond that. He could only hope that in his time beyond, Armin was waiting for him, willing to smile and forgive him. Even if he didn't deserve it.

* * *

It was one of those days that the sun was bright and shining without a cloud in the sky to block it from view. It was warm for a fall day but Eren didn't seem to mind. He'd abandoned his morning jumper a long time ago as he sat on the edge of his cart. The bucket was full of hay but he didn't need it for the day. The horses were happy with the freshly damp grass thanks to an overnight rain.

The heat didn't help his arm much. The scars felt extra itchy for some reason and as he ran his fingers over the curve of his elbow, he found the straps were a little tighter than necessary. He considered fixing them and he was halfway through tossing off his white t-shirt when he heard the rumbling motor of a truck in the distance. He didn't bother to look at what he already knew was coming. He tossed his shirt into the pile of hay as he stood up and started tweaking with the belt buckles around his shoulder.

The rumble grew closer as he fixed his straps and by the time he was satisfied and the pain in his arm dulled, the motor came to a stop. He didn't bother putting his shirt back on as he turned to glance at the beaten up dull blue pick-up truck that pulled up to the barn half an acre away. The man that crawled out made the corner of Eren's lips curled up over his teeth in a soft snarl. He wasn't in the mood to deal with Jean. Hell, he was never in the mood to deal with the prick.

Eren grumbled to himself softly as he turned his back to Jean and plopped down on his cart. He snatched up his t-shirt and crumpled it beneath his fingers. Pulling it on would take more effort than it was worth, plus it was hot. He could feel the sun beating down on his tan skin and a light sheen of sweat already forming.

Caribbean green rose to the sky, squinting at the bright sun as he tossed his shirt back onto the hay pile. He could only hope Jean wouldn't bother to say anything to him. But of course, that wasn't the case. Of course the asshole had to come over for some reason or another.

"Hey, Eren." Jean's voice was light, friendly even, as he climbed over the gate of the large horse pen. He landed on his feet effortlessly and when Eren gave him a glance, he noticed the man was dressed for the weather in light jeans and a sleeveless pale blue shirt.

Eren grunted a greeting, narrowing his eyes as they focused on the horses.

"Your cream came in." Jean glanced at the brunette, golden eyes following along the strong muscles over his shoulders before hovering over the arm that wasn't all that real. "Krista sent food too. You really need to came to the ranch sometime." He shoved his hands in his pockets, shifting his eyes away to the horses. "Krista's starting to worry about you."

"I'm fine." Eren responded with another grunt.

Jean ran a hand through his undercut, ruffling the short hairs around his nape before clawing his way through the longer lighter strands at the top of his head. "Sure you are. But you should let her know that in person."

"Not sure why I should."

Jean let out a slightly frustrated sigh. "Cause you're out here all by yourself, Eren. The ranch is a good ten minute drive away and it's not like you have a phone since you absolutely refuse to have one for some goddamn reason."

"Is there a point in you being here right now?" Eren hissed softly, cutting his eyes at the man standing too close for comfort.

Jean perked a brow before his eyes narrowed and his lips formed a thin line. "Yeah, it's called being a good fucking person and making sure you're not out here slowly killing yourself. Though we're all pretty sure that's what you're doing."

"What I'm doing is my fucking  _job_." Eren hissed. "Horses are my job. Not people."

"Human interaction is a thing, Eren." Jean sighed, defeated, as if they'd had this conversation one too many times before. And they had. "I know you took this job to avoid that, but it's a part of life."

"What do you want from me?" Eren shifted to his feet, turning on Jean with a soft scowl on his face. He wished now, like he always did, that Jean didn't have a good four inches on him height wise.

Jean's face softened just slightly before he glanced away to the horses and steeled his face. "Just check in occasionally, okay? So we know you're not out here sick and dying or something."

"Why should I go all the way there when assholes like you can just come here?" Eren asked as he brushed passed Jean toward the gate.

Jean stared at the retreating back for a moment before he followed. "You saying you like seeing me, Yeager?"

"I didn't say shit." Eren rolled his eyes as he hauled himself over the gate with his good arm, swinging his legs over until he could land on the other side.

There was a faint smirk on Jean's lips as he pulled himself over the gate to follow the brunette. "Don't have to."

"Where's my fucking cream?"

Jean snorted as they moved toward the beat up truck. "Ah yes, Eren needs his precious cream."

"You try working with half an arm. Hell, try doing anything." Eren hissed, his temper flaring as he picked up his pace toward the truck.

Jean winced and followed the brunette, mentally cursing himself for bringing up Eren's arm. It was a sensitive subject and he knew that. No one at the ranch had any idea what had happened to Eren's arm since he refused to talk about it but whatever it was, it caused the brunette a lot of stress. "I don't know how you fucking do it. There's seven horses in your care and you take better care of them than you do yourself."

Eren cast Jean a sidelong glance, trying to figure out if that was a jab or a compliment. He couldn't really tell so he let it pass. "Cause they're pampered and can't take care of themselves."

"Right." Jean rounded the truck once they arrived and tugged open the side door, reaching inside to pull out a large cardboard box. "Krista made cookies. Her heaven sent sugar cookies."

"Great."

"She sent a dozen for you." Jean pushed the door closed with his foot before rounding the truck to hold the box out to Eren.

Eren stared at the box for a moment before he turned away toward the barn. Jean crinkled his nose but followed Eren anyway into the barn. Eren led him to his small room and after flicking on the light, he motioned for Jean to put the box down on the small desk in the corner.

"You don't spend much time in here, do you?" Jean asked, perking a brow as he stood up straight and glanced around the room.

"Why would I?"

"I don't know. Barely looks lived in."

Eren shrugged as he tugged open the flaps of the box to peer inside. There were plenty of cans of food, a few bottles of his special cream and the aforementioned cookies sitting atop with a pink note attached. Krista's curvy handwriting stood out and something about it made Eren's chest constrict slightly. She cared, she really did. She wanted him safe and secure. She was the one to convince her father to let Eren live out in the barn because she knew that was what he wanted. He sighed softly as he placed the cookies on the desk. Jean was right. He needed to check in with her more often. He owed her enough to do that.

"She wants to send you fresh fruits and vegetables from the gardens tomorrow, so I guess I'll be back unless you get off your ass and come up there."

"I'll come up there."

Jean stared at Eren bare back for a moment. "Seriously?"

"I need to thank Krista properly, don't I?"

"Has being out here taught you manners or something?"

"Shut your face."

Jean snorted, a soft sound in his nose as he reached out to pat a hand over Eren's shoulder. "There's the guy I know."

Dark sparkling eyes glanced at him through narrowed lids but the soft look on Jean's face lessened his glare. "What."

"Sometimes I think you forget you're a human being." Jean shrugged one shoulder as he brought his hand back to his side. "You're always so wrapped up in that head of yours." He shoved his hands into his pockets and glanced around the small room so he didn't have to look into those eyes. "It's not good for you. I know you don't like dealing with people much but, it might do you some good to have dinner with us every once in a while."

Eren just stared at the other, his lips forming a flat line. "What are you saying?"

Jean sighed and dug a hand through his hair. "Fuck this is awkward cause we both know you don't like me that much but I'm just saying, stop being so wrapped up in your head. It's not healthy for you. Come spend time with us. You've been here over a year you know we're not bad people. You're such a fucking wreck it's depressing to look at."

"Sorry I'm so fucking depressing." Eren spat out, turning away from Jean to dig through the box, shoulders tense.

"Fuck- Damnit- Eren, that's not what I meant! Fuck, Krista should be the one doing this, not me." He let out a frustrated sigh as his hand fell back to his side. "Look, I don't know what happened in your past. I don't know how that," he motioned to Eren's arm, "happened but I know it bothers the fuck out of you. You wouldn't tense like  _that_  every time it was mentioned if you didn't. And I'm not telling you that whatever it is, you should get over it. Cause shit's not that easy. But what I am saying, is fucking  _try_ Eren. Cause wallowing in it like this is going to get you no where but a downward spiral that's actually fucking concerning to the people that care about you."

"Yeah, It's  _not_ that fucking easy." Eren spoke through gritted teeth as his fingers curled tightly around the edge of the box.

"Have you talked about it? To anyone? Cause I know no one here knows." Jean took a step forward but froze at the way Eren's shoulders tensed even more, muscles clenching under tan skin like a startled cat.

"What's the point?"

"Talking about it usually helps." Jean sighed softly. "Look, I'm not a professional. I'm just someone who knows you're fucking suffering and keeping it all to yourself. You have friends, Eren. You should lean on them sometimes."

Eren let out a scoff of a laugh as he glanced over his shoulder at the dusty blond. "Are you calling yourself my friend?"

Jean squared his shoulders and the most serious look Eren had ever seen came over his face. "Damn right I am."

"When the hell did that happen?"

"From the moment you called me 'fuckface'." Jean smirked, a tilted curled of his lips to one side.

Eren turned halfway toward him. "You have a fucked up definition of the word 'friend'."

Jean shrugged. "Does it matter? It is what it is. If you want to talk about it, I'll listen." He offered.

"Wouldn't believe me anyway." Eren said softly as he turned back around, brushing the whole manner under the rug like he always did. He pulled out the three bottles of cream and tossed them onto his perfectly made bed. He considered putting away the cans but thought it would be best to make some lunch and then head back out to the horses. He could put the cans away later.

"The hell does that mean? It's your shit, Eren. What right do I have to disbelieve it."

"No one believes it." Eren said with a defeated shrug as he closed up the box and brushed past Jean to head to the mini fridge in the corner of the room at the edge of his bed. A cold turkey sandwich sounded nice for him right about then.

"So? Like I said, it's your shit. Peoples opinions on it don't fucking matter."

Eren bit into his lower lip as he dug through the fridge, pulling out the ingredients he'd need for his lunch. He kicked the door shut gently before going back to his desk so he could make his sandwich. "Do you believe in Kelpies?"

Jean faltered for a few seconds. "What?"

Eren sighed softly as he laid out the ingredients and snatched up the loaf of freshly baked bread from a shelf. He grabbed two slices that he then placed on a paper towel before coating one with mayonnaise. "Kelpies. Creatures of folklore that lure people to their death." He mumbled the words like he was reading them out of a book as he made his sandwich. "They look like horses. Wild horses. Beautiful even. They lure people to them by being nice and approachable. And then, you're stuck. Literally. And they drag you into the depths of the water to drown you."

"Okay...?"

"You've heard of them?" Eren asked flatly as he pressed the two halves of his sandwich together., his eyes never leaving it.

"I think..." Jean crinkled his nose as he watched Eren's back, a strange feeling creeping up his spine. "My grandmother told me about them when I was little but I don't remember much."

"A kelpie took my arm." Eren stated, earning a lull of silence from Jean. He took that time to gather up everything and put the ingredients away. By the time he plopped down on his bed with his sandwich in hand, Jean had sat down in the wooden chair by the desk, a strange look on his face.

"A kelpie." Jean mumbled in slight disbelief as he leaned back in the chair, watching Eren with wide eyes.

"A kelpie." Eren nodded, taking a bite from his sandwich that he really no longer wanted but he wasn't keen on wasting food.

"I need um... context." Jean waved a hand in front of him. "Like, the story behind it? Context. You've lost me a bit here."

Eren sighed softly as he leaned his elbows on his knees, taking bites periodically out of his sandwich. "I was eleven. Behind my house was a vast marsh that led to the ocean. I played there a lot when I was little." His eyes drifted off to the side as he mumbled the start of the same story he had told so many times before and Jean could tell Eren was no longer seeing the reality around him. "Wild horses were not that uncommon out there. My sister and I used to run into them all the time. So when we..." His eyes closed and his head hung, the half-eaten sandwich dangling from his fingers. "A friend and I were out there, by the ocean, like we'd done hundreds of times before. It was just another wild horse, you know? How was I supposed to know it  _wasn't_." Eren's teeth grit as he shoved the palm of his prosthetic into his closed eye gently. "I helped him onto its back. It was friendly, nice, beautiful even. And then, it wasn't. Then it was some grotesque thing and we were stuck to it like glue.  _Fuck_ , he cried so much and there was nothing I could do."

There was a moment that Eren paused and Jean took his chance. He shifted over to the bed, brushing the bottles of cream out of the way as he sat down beside Eren. He didn't hesitate to slide his arm over those bare shoulders and Eren didn't even seem to notice.

"I remember it so vividly. Like it didn't happen ten years ago. Like it was yesterday. I remember the look on his face. I remember the screech it made. I remember the feeling of being tugged under the water against my will. And I remember the searing pain of teeth sinking into my arm and ripping skin from bone and then  _breaking_  that bone. I remember the look of terror on his face as I floated to the surface. But most of all, I remember the veiled relief in those eyes that haunt me every  _fucking_  day."

Jean swallowed hard, pushing past the lump in his throat as he tucked Eren a bit closer to his side. He didn't know what else to do. Eren was visibly upset and it was nothing the dusty blond had seen before from the brunette. If it was true, if the words he spoke were true, then Jean suddenly understood everything. He understood why Eren looked close to death every time he saw him. He doubted the guy got much sleep and even then, his sleep was probably haunted by nightmares. Jean knew his would be if he experienced anything like that.

"No one believed me." Eren spoke after a moment of silence, his arm falling from his eye so he could shove the rest of the sandwich into his mouth against his stomach's wishes.

"You lost your friend. That's a pretty traumatic thing." Jean offered softly, picking his words carefully. Eren had showed some type of trust by telling Jean these things and he certainly didn't want to fuck it up. "You... blame yourself don't you."

"Armin was terrified of the thing." Eren said after he swallowed. "I pushed him to approach it, to touch it. I helped him on it. He was more doomed than I was. Only my hand was stuck."

"But it... it let you go?"

"Fuck if I know why." A broken laugh came from Eren's throat as he stuffed his hand through his hair. "It should have taken both of us."

"Shit, Eren. It wasn't-"

"Don't even try." Caribbean green met gold. "Trust me, I've heard it all."

Jean bit into his lower lip. "How about, I believe you; have you heard that?"

Eren narrowed his eyes. "Not with meaning behind it."

"Well, I mean it. I mean, look at you. You're a fucking mess. Obviously some serious shit happened to you." Jean gave his shoulder a squeeze. "And who I am to say you're wrong about what happened to you? I wasn't there. It was just you and your friend; Armin right? Just the two of you and... well, you're the only one who can say what really happened." He offered a kind smile that made Eren's eyes soften just a bit. "I sure as hell didn't expect any of that but if you say that's what happened, then that's what happened."

"I..." Eren shut his mouth and glanced to the floor, licking at his teeth behind his lips. "Thank you."

Jean gave his shoulder another squeeze before he pulled away, thinking that was enough physical contact for the day. Eren was never fond of being touched anyway. "You're welcome." He moved to his feet, a warm smile on his lips as he spoke. "Come to dinner tonight. I'm not saying you have to interact or even say that much. But I think everyone would be happy to have you there."

Eren took a deep breath and after rubbing his eyes he moved to his feet, brushing his hands off on his pants. "Okay. I'll go."

"Shit, did all I really have to do was listen to you to get you to do stuff?" Jean asked, the tension in the air dissipating almost immediately.

"Fuck off, Kirschtien." Eren grunted, giving Jean's arm a good shove as he made his way out of the room, a slight smirk on his lips.

Jean grinned, a handsome look on his face as he followed Eren back outside. "Aw come on, admit it." He flopped forward, tossing a playful arm over Eren's shoulders as they made their way back to the truck. "You like me."

"I tolerate you." Eren pointed out.

"Sure. And you're totally not showing up to dinner tonight because I'm a good friend."

"I'm doing it for Krista. Not you."

Jean rolled his eyes. "Sure."

"Get going before I mistake you for one of my horses and shove you in a stable."

Jean gasped dramatically, throwing a hand over his heart as he stumbled away from Eren toward the truck. "You wound me."

"Shut up, fuckface." There was a grin toying with the edge of Eren's lips as he kicked his foot out toward Jean, crossing his arms over his chest.

Jean snorted as he tugged open the truck door and slipped inside. "Dinner's at seven."

"I know."

"See you there?"

Eren rolled his eyes and pushed the door shut, ducking down to speak to Jean through the open window. "Already said I would be."

"Don't back on this, Yeager. Or I'll have to come and kick your ass."

"You could try." Eren reached out and placed a gentle hand on Jean's wrist as the dusty blond's fingers wrapped around the steering wheel. The action said enough. Jean gave the brunette a soft smile before Eren was backing away, tucking his hands in his pockets.

Stunning eyes watched as the truck backed away from the barn and then turned to head down the dirt path back towards the ranch that couldn't be seen in the distance. Eren was alone once again and a strange crushing feeling fell over him almost immediately. He had to admit, being around people made him feel like a person again. But he didn't deserve that. Not really. But he'd made a promise and he intended to keep it, at least for Krista's sake.

Once the dust the truck had kicked up cleared, Eren turned away to head back to the field. His eyes watched the movements of his feet until he came to the gate. With a good tug, he pulled himself over the gate and ignored the strange feeling settling in the pit of his stomach. Once his mind was on the track of his past it was nearly impossible to get it off. He couldn't help but see those sky blue eyes and that stunning smile that he missed a hell of a lot more than he'd like to admit.

Of course he missed Armin. The blond had been a bright light in his life that was squashed out much too soon and completely unfairly. Eren had not lied to Jean. He could vividly remember every moment that happened from the time they saw the horse till he was screaming out on the sand. Those moments haunted his dreams and his waking moments. There was nothing he could do about them. They existed and he'd just come to accept them.

But what bothered him the most...

Out of everything that happened...

Was Armin.

The young boy's life was cut abruptly short. Armin was brilliant. He had the potential to do a lot with his mind. He could have cured cancer, or become a politician. He could have discovered many new things and lived a fulfilling life. He had the potential to change the world with his mind but he never had the chance.

Not to even mention... The potential they had together.

It wasn't something Eren thought about often but it did come to him from time to time, especially as he grew older.

Armin was his special someone. Had always been his special someone from the time he decided they would be friends. Armin was brilliant and beautiful and he made Eren feel like he was something special. When those eyes were on him and that smile was just for him, Eren felt like he could take on the world. As long as Armin was at his side.

He had no illusions about what that meant. He was in love with his best friend at the age of eleven and he'd never had the chance to do anything about it. Ten years and Eren still wondered what it would have been like if he'd taken the time to kiss Armin the way he'd always wanted to. But he'd never told the blond how he felt. He'd hardly understood his feelings at the time so he held it in.

It was one of his biggest regrets.

Eren let out a sigh, scratching at his head as he wondered over to his cart. His thoughts clouded together into blue eyes, flushed round cheeks and a bright smile that made his chest ache. He gave the wheel of the cart a halfhearted kick before he turned to look over the horses. For a moment, his eyes scanned the field, counting to make sure he had everyone. But then he paused.

Eight?

He turned fully toward the field and recounted. Eight again. His eyes narrowed and the realization that suddenly struck him had him gasping for breath.

_There was an extra horse_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to wrap Eren up in a tight hug and tell him it's all going to be okay. And I think, Jean wants to do that too. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you thought with a kudo and/or comment!
> 
> ~Addy~


	3. What Hurts The Most

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mood Music [Here](https://youtu.be/gnVkYjEbe8M). Listen to it. It fits Eren in this perfectly. 
> 
> Also [This](https://youtu.be/l9Q7GISatW0) song for the ending because, I just had to.
> 
> Enjoy!

_I can take rain on the roof of this empty house._

_That don't bother me._

_I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out._

_I'm not afraid to cry every once in awhile even though going on with you gone still upsets me._

_There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay._

_But that's not what gets me._

_What hurts the most_

_was being so close._

_And having so much to say._

_And watching you walk away._

_And never knowing..._

_What could have been._

_And not saying that loving you is what I was trying to do._

* * *

Eren knew his horses better than anything. He knew exactly what they looked like, what they liked and didn't like, and how many there were. Even from a distance he could tell who was who so when he counted eight horses he was suddenly struck to the core. He took a few shaky steps forward, his eyes scanning frantically over the horses. Dusty, the old grey. Mac, the large black stallion. Penny, the copper with white spots. Crit, the brown with the diamond on his nose. Savior, the white with blond hair and a pattern of brown along his belly. Ringo, the brown with tan spots. Desperado, the dark brown with white along his back and legs. And then...

Caribbean green froze on the pure white horse standing in the middle of the field. It wasn't that far away from him and he could see that its hair was as white as the rest of it. A surge of fear rushed through Eren's veins at the familiarity of the creature.

"Shit." He cursed, his eyes wide as he suddenly turned back to his cart to find his shirt. It was gone however and a prickle of fear ran up his spine. This couldn't be happening. Was he dreaming? It couldn't be a dream. Jean had just left and that was in no way a dream. But that  _thing_  didn't belong here and as Eren turned back toward the creature slowly, his breath froze in his throat, a sharp painful feeling.

He could only stand there, his feet planted in the ground as fear crept over his skin as the horse started moving toward him. There was no denying what that horse was. He recognized it. It haunted his dreams and his every waking moment. Had it come back for him? Had it decided he'd lived long enough and his extra ten years were up? Eren's heart thumped in his ears, blush rushing through his body as a chill settled over him.

But as the horse grew closer, it became apparent that it was not alone.

Eren had not noticed at first, completely focused on those haunting eyes that hid what was really beneath the surface. But once he noticed, he couldn't look away.

Riding bareback on the white horse was a person. A young person, maybe the same age as Eren, with golden hair pulled back into a half pony tail and eyes that struck Eren to the core. Armin. It was Armin. It had to be Armin. Those soft sky blue eyes were locked on him and they were so familiar he could feel tears prickle in the corner of his eyes. The man on that horse was much older than Armin had been but, it had been ten years. If Armin had the chance to grow, Eren was sure that is what he would look like.

The button nose was the same, the cute flush on rounded cheeks. He'd grown taller, with longer toned limbs and a slender waist that rocked back and forth as the horse walked. His hair, hay-blond hair, brushed over his cheeks and his plump lips formed a faint cautious smile. His skin was pale but healthy looking, with a good flush to it that led Eren to believe this was really happening. But  _it couldn't be_.

The horse came to a stop a few feet from Eren, who was stuck still with his eyes wide and his lips parted. Armin patted the horse's neck gently, earning a shake for his effort. He leaned down to the horse's ear and whispered something, his lips moving too quick for Eren to register, before he lifted up and tossed a leg over the horse's back, sliding down to the ground. He was tall; Not as tall as Eren but maybe only by an inch or so and dressed all in white.

He looked shy, his eyes casting around the area as his hands tucked against his belly, cupped together. The flush on his peachy-cream cheeks deepened slightly as his teeth caught on his bottom lip. It was the same expression the blond wore the moment Eren told him they were going to be friends. That shy but happy expression that made Eren's heart sink into his stomach.

"W-What..." Eren's voice caught on his dry throat and he winched, swallowing hard against the lump he found there.

Beautiful blue jumped to Eren and that shy smile was back. Armin walked slowly, with a stride that said he knew exactly what he was doing even though he wasn't sure of what he was doing. He came to a stop barely a foot away from Eren and just stood there, his eyes bright and his hair blowing in the wind.

They stared at each other long enough to make the horse neigh in disagreement and shake its head. Armin shot the horse a darkened glance before those eyes were on Eren once again, bright and stunning. He raised a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind his ear, glancing away shyly to the ground.

"I imagined this time and time again but this isn't exactly what I expected."

_His voice._

He had the same accent that curled his words in the most beautiful way. And it was deep. Not as deep as Eren's or Jean's but it was a far cry from the soft spoken light voice the blond had as a child.

"I had all types of plans." Armin continued, his cheeks flushing a bit darker as he rose his eyes to meet Eren's. "But now... Just looking at you... I'm not sure what to say."

Eren voice caught in his throat and though there were a million things running through his head, he couldn't voice them. He could barely remember how to  _breathe._

Armin took a deep breath and hugged himself with one arm, long fingers wrapping around his side as his other arm hung there. He glanced to the side, watching as his horse flicked its head up and turned away from them, trotting off to nibble on some grass far enough away that they had some privacy. Blue narrowed for a second before he shifted his attention back to Eren.

"I'm not sure-Oof!" Armin grunted at the body that suddenly rammed into his, knocking the air from his lungs and making his eyes go wide.

 _He was real._  Eren's arms tightened around Armin's solid shoulders, feeling a warmth seep into his skin as he tucked the blond against his body. He was so fucking real and Eren's mind was spinning, trying to figure out  _how_.

"Eren..." Hands curled against Eren's bare back, pressing into the warm skin.

Almost as soon as Eren had wrapped his arms around Armin he was ripping himself away, stumbling backwards as he held his hands out in front of him, a look of panic going over his face. "No." Eren mumbled, shaking his head as the back of his knees connected with his cart. "This isn't real. This can not be happening. You're not... You're  _not him_." He practically begged the words, like he wanted so desperately to not be seeing his childhood friend in front of him.

A look of hurt crossed blue eyes before it was concealed behind a soft smile. "Eren... Eren, of course it's me." He reached out with one hand only to flinch back when Eren hissed at him.

"No! You... You  _died_." His voice rose a bit, shaking from the emotion in his throat as he clenched a fist at his side. "I  _watched_ you disappear into the water. I fucking  _saw_ you die."

"Well..." Armin bit into his lower lip as he crossed his arms over his chest. "While that's true in a way, you didn't exactly  _see_ me die. You passed out before that happened."

"You... So you admit that you fucking  _died_." Eren growled, his eyes narrow and his lips curled over his teeth in a threatening nature.

"Eren... Why are you... Please don't look at me like that!" Armin cried, his lips forming a frown as hurt flashed across his features.

"How am I  _supposed_  to look at you?! I'm either losing my motherfucking mind or you're actually right here in front of me and that fucking means... I don't know what that means!" He shoved a hand in his hair, clutching it tightly between his fingers as he closed his eyes.

"Eren." Armin stated calmly, taking a step forward that went unnoticed by the brunette.

"You're dead. You're fucking dead. This isn't happening, this can't be happening." He mumbled to himself, shaking his head as he tugged at dark strands of hair.

"Eren." Armin's voice was light and soft as he placed both hands on Eren's shoulders. Caribbean opened as Armin pressed close, pushing their bodies together, hip to hip, stomach to stomach, chest to chest, as he peered up into those eyes. "You feel me, do you not? I'm real. I'm as real as you are. You're not losing your mind."

Eren grit his teeth but didn't push away from the male. Armin's body was warm and fit against his in all the right places that it made his heart thump. "What are you." He mumbled, his eyes narrow but there was a hope in them that made Armin smile softly.

"I don't have an answer to that question. Not a logical one, anyway." He leaned up on his toes enough to brush his nose against Eren's, something that reminded them both of what they would do when they were kids. "I'm not alive, nor am I dead. I just... am."

"But you... You died. Didn't you?"

Armin crinkled his nose. "You could call it that." He sighed softly, dropping his eyes to Eren's collar bone as one hand slipped down a broad shoulder and fingers brushed over the straps holding Eren's prosthetic in place. His eyes closed and his lips formed a straight line as he felt over the plastic covering Eren's scars from view. Then, he trailed his hand down until he could curl his fingers around the soft fake ones Eren had to call his left hand. "I'm sorry I did this to you."

Eren tensed but otherwise did not move. His eyes were focused on the face of the blond he was sure he'd never see again. He could barely wrap his mind around the fact that he was even seeing Armin and he thought if he blinked, the blond would be gone. "What are you talking about?"

"You-"

"I'm the one who should be sorry." Eren cut in, his temper flaring slightly. "It was my fault. All of it." Blue snapped open and met fiery Caribbean green. "Don't you  _dare_ apologize to me."

"Eren..." Armin's free hand slipped up over Eren's cheek, a fond smile curling to his lips. "You've blamed yourself this whole time, haven't you?"

"It was my fault."

"It was  _no one's fault_."

Armin's stern words struck Eren to the core. He'd heard those same words countless times from countless people but this... This was Armin saying it. His Armin. The same Armin he'd lost. There was no denying the way he moved and they way he touched Eren. It was much too familiar to not be real.

"Listen to me when I say this Eren, because I don't wish to repeat it." Armin's eyes turned to blue steel as he cupped Eren's cheek in his hand and leaned closer, his fingers wrapping hard around the wrist of his prosthetic. "It. Was. Not. Your. Fault."

Tears sprung to Eren's eyes faster than he could stop them and by the time his forehead clunked against Armin's shoulder, the blond was running his fingers through dark brown strands comfortingly. Eren's shoulders shook with uncontrolled sobs, his stomach clenching painfully as he relied on Armin to keep them upright. The blond didn't seem to mind taking on Eren's weight even if the brunette was a good deal larger than him. Their height wasn't much of a difference but where Armin was lean, Eren was solid and toned.

"Look at you." Armin mused softly, his fingers toying with short strands of brown as he held the other. "You've grown so much. I knew you'd grow up handsome but I never expected this." His fingers trailed down Eren's hair, curling over an ear poking through dark strands before they curled against his neck. "I missed you..."

"Why... Why didn't you come back? What is... I don't understand." Eren mumbled softly against the fabric of Armin's shirt.

"I couldn't. I had a job to do. I'm Keeper of The Kelpies, just so you know. It's not an easy job. Always feeding them and keeping them clean. They're nasty creatures." He cast a glare at his horse when it let out a high pitched neigh of protest. "And when I say feeding them, I don't mean people. It's a common misconception that Kelpies eat humans. They actually enjoy the same types of food as regular horses. They're just... Well, you know stories about mermaids? How they drown humans to become one of them? It's basically the same for Kelpies and no, Eren, I am not a Kelpie. I worked my way around that."

"How?" He pulled away slightly to meet Armin's eyes, hoping to get an explanation that actually made sense to him.

"When she was trying to kill us both." He cast his horse another glance. "I kept mumbling that I would do anything,  _anything,_ as long as you didn't come with me. I would be anything. Do anything; just not you. Anyone but you." Armin's voice was soft as he glanced over Eren's face, brushing his thumb over the apple of his cheek. His expression was tender, making Eren's heart squeeze tightly in his rib cage, as blue caressed his face like it was something precious. "And she responded. She agreed. She let you go. And I became what they needed most. Someone to take care of them." His fingers tightened around Eren's prosthetic wrist in a possessive manner. "But I am sorry you were so badly hurt in the process. It... was a sacrifice that had to be made."

"You...  _Armin_ ," and the name felt tingly on his lips, "how could you do that?"

"Because one of us deserved to live." He admitted, not shying away from the choice he had made, staring directly into Eren's stunned eyes. "I was trapped. She couldn't let me go at that point. Every limb on my body was attached to her. But you... You had a chance. I didn't think she would listen but she did. She set you free." He smiled, his cheeks bunching up as tears sparkled in his eyes. "You got to live, Eren." He brushed his thumb over Eren's cheek lovingly. "I couldn't ask for more."

"You call existing without you  _living_?" Eren snapped back softly. "You call being haunted by your face every where I go, living? Cause I fucking don't. I never  _forgot_ , Armin. I never moved on. I fucking... I couldn't." He grit his teeth as a hand grasped onto Armin's hip tightly. "I see you every where. In my dreams, during the day. Hell, I'm still slightly convinced this is another vivid dream and the only reason I'm sure it's not is because you've grown up. I never pictured you grown up. I couldn't... it, goddamnit Armin." He arched forward, dropping his head into the blond's neck. "I see your eyes every time I close mine."

Armin's breath hitched and the tears in the corner of his eyes spilled free, trickling down his cheeks to bury in Eren's hair. "Eren... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was selfish but I do not regret the choices I made."

"Why now? Why are you here now?" Eren groaned, his eyes closing tightly as he nuzzled into Armin's neck, smelling the ocean on his skin and hair.

"It's taken me a long time to gather to courage to come see you. But when I went to your house... You weren't there."

Eren tensed. "You went to my house?"

"Mikasa shoved a knife through my ribs." Armin stated matter-of-factually.

Eren pulled away, grabbing Armin's shoulder with his real hand, eyes wide. "She what?"

"It's Mikasa, what did you expect?" He shrugged, tilting his head to the side as a gleam of a smile came to his lips. "When I didn't react she seemed to understand what was going on. She told me where I could find you. She also, told me to tell you Goodbye for her."

Dark brows shot up. "Is she... Is she okay?"

"She's fine. She misses you, I believe. But she's fine. She apparently never got to say a proper goodbye when you left."

"But... she did?"

"Eren." Armin's tone changed as he reached forward, cupping Eren's face between his hands. "I have a very serious question for you."

The brunette tensed. "Okay?"

"I don't want to ask this. I really don't. Because, it's selfish and quite frankly goes against everything I've ever stood for but," He cast his horse another glance and found she was watching them with vibrant eyes, "I don't have a lot of time. I'm bound to them and I always will be. For all of eternity."

"What? No." Eren grabbed onto Armin's wrist, his eyes wide. "You can't- You just got here."

"I don't belong here, Eren. You know that."

"But you... You can't." Eren grit his teeth, fighting the spring of tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, She's already growing anxious from being this far from the ocean. But, I have to ask."

"Armin-"

"Can I Eren? Can I kiss you?"

"W-What?"

"It's a strange request and completely selfish and not at all how I wanted this to go but I'm running out of time. You can say no. You are more than welcome to. But, it's something I've always wanted. From the time we were just kids, curled up in your bed together after a long day of playing in the ocean, all I wanted was for you to-"

Chapped lips pressed hard against soft plump pink lips, thoroughly cutting Armin off and dragging a grunt from his throat. It was quick and hard and their teeth clattered so when Eren pulled away, his eyes half-lidded and his cheeks flushed, Armin thought that was all. But Eren leaned in again, slower this time and carefully pressed their lips together.

Armin melted at the contact, his fingers clutching onto Eren's chest as he pressed into the kiss, tilting his head just slightly to accommodate. Blue eyes closed but Eren found he couldn't look away from the face in front of him. It was a blurred mess but it was  _Armin_. He wrapped both arms around Armin's waist, pulling the smaller frame against his own as hands worked their way into his hair. Their lips pull apart for only a second with soft breaths before they re-positioned and met again.

A high-pitched neigh broke their lips apart and Armin tossed a heated glare over his shoulder at the horse stomping about in the grass. "I swear she's a child sometimes."

"Don't." Eren tipped forward, planting his lips against Armin's cheek, pressing soft kisses to his salty skin, over his jaw and down his neck. "Don't go."

"I have to." Armin whined softly, clutching a bit tighter to the brunette. "I don't want to. But I have to."

"Will you come back?" He mumbled into the crock of Armin's neck.

"I... I don't know, Eren. I'd love to say that I will, but I honestly don't know if they'll let me. It was a feat to get them to let me come this far."

"Can I... Can I come with you?"

"No." Armin tensed, eyes snapping to the horse shaking out her hair as if she was laughing at them. " _No_."

"Why?"

"Because I, because I said so."

Eren pulled back to meet Armin's eyes, his own narrow and his lips pulled into a frown. "What do you mean 'because I said so'?"

"That's exactly what I mean."

"Armin-"

"Don't, Eren, Please." He pushed against Eren's shoulder but found the brunette had no intention of letting him go.

"Armin, why? Why can't I come with you?" Eren pressed, his eyes narrow as he leaned close to the blond's face.

"B-Because."

" _Why_?"

"Because living creatures can not go where I am going!" Armin cried, tears filling his eyes as he knocked a fist against Eren's shoulder. "You  _can't_  come with me."

"Armin." Eren spoke softly, reaching up to run his fingers through soft strands of hay-blond.

"Don't- God, Eren, please." He closed his eyes tightly at the tears that fell from his eyes, his body shaking with a silent sob.

"Armin." Eren leaned forward, brushing his lips against Armin's temple as he cradled him delicately against his chest.

"Shut up!" Armin cried suddenly, snapping his head at the horse who had approached them again, watching them with bright eyes. "Just shut up!"

Eren glanced between the two, knowing there was some silent conversation going on that he couldn't hear. "Armin."

"No. Please, Eren. You're alive. You're alive for a reason-"

"I don't want to do this anymore, Armin." Eren cradled that round face in his hand, tilting it so their eyes could meet. "You exist. Do you have any idea what that means to me? I can't just let you walk out of my life like this. Not again... Not when..." Eren realized at the moment, he had the chance he never gave himself so many years ago. "I love you." He blurted out, making blue eyes widen to the point they looked like they'd pop out. "I've always loved you. I loved you then and I love you now. We were young and I didn't understand so I never told you but I'm telling you now. I'm in love with you, Armin."

"D-Don't..." Tears rolled from stunning blue eyes as his nose crunched up and his lips curled. "Eren, please."

" _I love you_." He repeated, dipping down to press his lips against Armin's parted ones. "I haven't lived since you left. I existed. I went day by day but that wasn't living. My life has been empty without you and I don't know how you can expect me to just let you walk away."

_You'll die you know._

The soft feminine voice made Eren flinch and he glanced at the horse beside them just as Armin's head tipped forward, burying in Eren's neck. A prickle of fear crawled over his spine at the eyes watching him but Eren stood his ground and nodded. "I know."

 _You take care of these creatures._ She lifted her head, tossing it toward the horses who had no idea what was happening around them.  _You've done well. But we can not have two keepers._

"Please." Armin begged, his hands tight fists against Eren's shoulders.

The horse glanced at the blond before shifting to Eren.  _You will become like us, in a sense. Enough so that you will live like us. But not so much that you may not be with our Keeper. He has his wishes and he has done well for us. We agreed you could be with us long before he sought you out._

"You'll turn me into a Kelpie _._ " Eren stated, narrowing his eyes slightly.

_No. Not entirely. Just partly. You would not be the first. It's all we can do for you to remain with us and be with our keeper. That is your choice. Be with him that way or not at all._

"I'll do it."

" _Eren!_ " Armin pulled back, his eyes wide and his heart in his throat.

"This is my decision isn't it? I'm choosing this."

"But you'll-"

"I don't care! Fuck, Armin don't you see?" Eren grasped the blond's flushed cheek and brought their noses together, frustration evident in his expression. "I don't care as long as I can be with you."

"I-It's wrong. Eren, it's so  _very_  wrong."

"I know! I know what I'm doing. I know the choice I am making. I know it's wrong and if I could be with you any other way, I'd do it. But I can't."

"You could not be with me at all." Armin pleaded, tears still falling as his nails dug into Eren's skin.

"Tried that. Didn't like it." A tender smile curled to Eren's lips as he nuzzled their noses together. "My parents never believed me anyway. And Mikasa... She understands better than anyone."

"That's no reason to do this."

"I'm doing this because I want to. I want to stay with you. It's all I ever wanted.  _Fuck_ , Armin, all I've ever wished was that I'd never broken free that day."

A sob crept its way out of Armin's throat. "I don't want to be with you this way."

"What other choice do we have?" Eren was starting to sound desperate now, his fingers tight against Armin's face. "Do you really want to go back to the ocean without me?"

"No...  _No_ , and that's selfish!" His body shook with a sob as he launched forward, tossing his arms around Eren's neck to hold onto him tightly.

"Be selfish for once Armin. Let me do this." Eren's arm tightened around that lithe waist, his eyes closing tightly against the tears that threatened to fall. He was putting everything he had on the table and if Armin refused him, well, Eren wasn't entirely sure what he would do that about that. What could he do? He would never force Armin. But living without Armin because he knew the blond was dead was a hell of a lot different than him trying to live his life  _knowing_  that Armin was out there somewhere, alive and free, without him. That was a life he refused to live.

"I... I can't stop you anyway." Armin admitted softly after a moment. "I never could when you really wanted something. You just barreled your way through until you got what you wanted."

"Glad you remember." Eren smiled fondly, nuzzling into soft hay-blond hair as his heart stuttered, trying to remember how to work properly.

Armin sighed softly as he pulled away, landing flat on his feet as he gripped Eren's shoulders. "But know, I am unhappy with this and you'll have to find some way to make it up to me."

A grin curled to Eren's lips, bunching his cheeks up till they ached. "I think I can figure something out." He mumbled before dipping down to press their lips together gently.

The horse let out another high-pitched screech that was all too familiar to Eren and sent a scratch of fear along his insides. Armin groaned as he pulled away from Eren, placing his hands on his hips to scold the horse.

"Honestly, can't you wait one freaking minute? Am I not allowed to have a moment?"

The horse,  _kelpie_ , stuffed her nose in the air and puffed out air through her nostrils.

"Fine, you impatient child. We'll go back." Armin grabbed onto her mane and with a good pull and a jump, he climbed onto her back, straddling her as if he'd done it his entire life. Satisfied, she trotted up to Eren so Armin could lean a hand down to him.

Eren glanced at that hand, waiting for him to take him some place far away before he shifted his eyes around at the horses left in his care. "Just a minute." He moved away making the blond sit up in confusion as Eren walked to the closest horse which happened to be Mac. He grabbed onto the horse's reins gently and after a little coxing, tugged him toward the gate. He pushed open the gate with a solid shove and led the black stallion through it. Mac stayed patient as as Eren shut the door and latched it before returning to his side. "I need you to go to the ranch." He patted the horse's neck as he pointed him in the right direction. "You know what to do. You're a good boy." Eren jumped back and gave the stallion's rear a solid slap, making the horse neigh in surprise before taking off at the sound of Eren's "ha!".

Armin was waiting by the gate when Eren turned back around, a look of curiosity on his face. Eren smiled softly before he pulled himself over the gate again and reached up for Armin's hand. The blond's fingers were warm and after a good tug and a bit of help, Eren was pulled onto the kelpie's back behind Armin. He slipped his arms around that thin waist and as Armin steered the kelpie away from the gate and toward the ocean in the far distance, Eren was slightly surprised to find his legs weren't consumed by the strange black substance he knew the kelpie could become.

"Will you be missed?" Armin asked suddenly, glancing over his shoulder at the brunette.

"Maybe. I've only been here a year and I didn't interact much with them." Eren was abruptly reminded of the promise he had made to Jean earlier. It was too late to turn back and he was sure that if Jean knew the situation, he would understand.

"But they are your friends?"

Eren shrugged one shoulder as he leaned forward, letting his chin rest against Armin's shoulder, pressing their cheeks together. "They're not you."

"You best not regret this, Eren. I wouldn't want to deal with that guilt."

"The only thing I've ever regretted in my entire life was not going down with you."

Soft round cheeks flushed a delightful color of pink and when Eren shifted to plant his lips against them, they darkened even more. "I love you as well, you know. Always have."

A grin curled to Eren's lips that he hid in Armin's neck. "I know."

* * *

_High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life._

_Fight fear for the selfish pain._

_It was worth it every time._

_Hold still right before we crash cause we both know how this ends._

_Clock ticks till it breaks your glass_

_And I drown in you again._

_Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need._

_Chasing relentlessly._

_Still fight and I don't know why_

_If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?_

_If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And, there we have it folks. The next chapter, the last chapter, will be a sorta kinda epilogue with some cute fluffy Eremin that I'm pretty sure we all need. 
> 
> I think I've gotten my fill of angsty Eren so expect the next Eremin coming from me to be stupid dorks being stupid fluffy dorks. 
> 
> Also, let me just say, that I in no way agree with the things that Eren has done. If you get what Eren had to do to be with Armin for the rest of his life, then you get what I mean. I'm not romanticizing this. Even Armin is upset about it and he will be. But, it is what it is and this is what I wanted to right. But that doesn't mean I agree with it. Just so ya know. 
> 
> Please, let me know what you thought with a comment! and kudo if you haven't already! Can only kudo a chapter fic once, you know. 
> 
> Thanks a lot for reading and I'll see you in the next chapter soon!
> 
> ~Addy~


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